Interpersonal Equanimity: The capacity to treat others non-judgmentally/compassionately
Like the animals in the jungle, we have a drive to be bigger, faster, stronger. And it seems adaptive if we are better at this than others, as it is more likely to ensure our survival. The psychological version of this, is that social comparison, or where we are placed compared to others, is the number one predictor of self-esteem. However, if we are too competitive this can distance us from others and impact our well-being. With equanimity we try to be a good human and look for a win-win for both sides.
In this section we apply the skill of neutral, non-judgmental awareness, that we learned earlier, to relationships. The cultivation of inner equanimity, or an even-minded mental state, is now extended towards everyone (friends, enemies, and strangers). As Michal Pagis highlights, “meditation-based equanimity is not only a psychological state but also a social attitude”, and mindfulness should naturally lead to compassion. To distinguish it from personal equanimity, here it is called interpersonal equanimity.
Learning how to apply mindfulness to social relationships is not only very important, but also an essential upgrade to the old animal software. It changes us from being competitors to comrades, from foes to family, from individuals to a society. The benefit to us, of course, is that as we help people, we experience the benefits of working as a team, and people help us. We experience more connection, more love and, as a result, less suffering for everyone.
In this skill we combine mental objectivity (Clear Mind) with emotional openness (Open Heart), except this time we apply it to our relationship with others. This skill is a critical one to master because, as we are social creatures, mindfulness can never just remain an individual experience. For it to be relevant it must impact our relationships.
With this skill we develop the capacity to see those we like, dislike, or are neutral towards, with the same objectivity and openness. In popular language, it is coming from a place of unconditional love where blood connection or old school ties do not prejudice us more favourably to one person over another.
With this approach, we see that all people, like all other biological organisms, share the same two drives - the desire to increase pleasure and reduce pain. Or, in other words, the desire to be happy and to not suffer. In seeing this similarity, we aim to treat others the same way we would like to be treated. Perhaps, at times, others try to be happy and not suffer in ways that are unskilful or uncaring towards us. However, if we look at our own behaviour, we should also be able to recall times when we have also been uncaring so that we could either be happy or not suffer.
By seeing the commonality or similarity between us and other people, it helps us treat them more kindly. It builds a foundation of care and interest to help all people (friends, strangers, and enemies), and a genuine desire to maximise their good and minimise their misfortune. Like the saying of Jesus, love your neighbour as yourself, or act towards them as you would want them to behave.